...it's all me--T.

So, this is what writing looks like.  Here I am.  Sitting in front of the computer, organizing the desk, sharpening the pencils, checking the internet.

1. What time is it? 12:45 p.m. or a.m. It doesn’t matter, I’m always hungry.

2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate: Terina Deedelbaum Atkinson Darcey (11 syllables? Picture introducing yourself at a cocktail party. See why the nickname?!)

3. Nickname: Nina Dee. It’s because people can't get either name right, so we’ll simplify the issue.

4. Piercing: Two (one in each ear) and a myriad of oozing holes elsewhere, compliments of the Oklahoma insect world.

5. Eye color: green hazel today, but most times they are mere slits, too small and suspicious to tell.

6. Place of birth: This planet, despite accusations to the contrary.

My serenity pose after seven days on a beach.  2014

7. Ever been to Africa: NO, but I do have my own little nature reserve right here with examples of all types of animal behavior.

8. Ever been toilet papering? If it involves toilet paper, I've done it, but I don't think that means what you think it means.

9. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes, and scream, and yell, and curse etc...

12. Been in a car accident?   Life is one big accident, just waiting for me to happen.

13. What do you do most often when you are bored?  Write, write, write, try to make sense of life.

8. Favorite ice cream: Ice cream is inherently gross. It’s too sweet and it makes your tongue slippery and your teeth all glossy. What is it creating inside you, a seven peaks slip and slide?

14. Favorite day of the week: I'd have to say one where all the family is home... so  I can chore-out all the mundan-ities.

15. Favorite restaurants: Restaurants! Haven't I already warned you? Hepetitis, if you continue to frequent those places!!! Okay, okay, fast food?    I guess that would be whatever is rolling around the floorboards. Snag it!

21. What color is your bedroom carpet: Who looks at the carpet and how? I sleep looking at the ceiling! I'll run up to check. Who can see their bedroom carpet? You people need to get more clothes!

22.  Cat or dog? CAT, which just exemplifies the insanity of me willing to take on another unfeeling soul that just takes and takes and takes.

23  If the numbering bothers you, see a professional about your OCD.

24  Favorite TV Shows:  There is nothing good on.  The cable telephone sales guy won't even carry on a reasonable conversation after he finally pries out of you that you have no TV.

36. How many tattoos do you have?  None--sticky or otherwise. My dream one would be a notation on my back just above my pant line that said, This is a butt crack. If you are viewing it, insert a coin because I'm dead. Seek out a good carpenter or plumber.

37.  How many times did you fail your driver's test: Is this significant? Perhaps to tell whether I am a lackadaisical individual, or that I resist conformity? Perhaps I should have failed it and I never did? That is what is wrong! I have to go back and retake my drivers license and fail so I can set all to rights in my universe! I'm on it!

23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last text? I've slept since then! Who remembers this stuff and where do you look it up?

37. Which came first. Chicken or egg? What does this reveal? Come on, I wanna know! In the big picture, does this question matter? Maybe each of you could spend a few moments brainstorming the big life questions that I have? Where do the odd socks go? What psychosis is it that forces me to house their neglected mates forever? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW DOES ONE WORK THE SCANNER?

38 Who will respond to this challenge the quickest? No one. I hope everyone else has something else that is much more important. My friends seem to always have something else to do and can't even be bothered to check on me, to busy for a simple call, or to even click like.

29. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?  I don’t care. I really want to know what else everyone else is doing right now? What are the plans for the rest of the day? What are you wearing or planning for dinner tonight and does it include a recipe for leftovers?

30.  Time it took to take this test:  15 minutes.   (fifteen minutes gone- gone and never retrieved again! Remind me to copy this and keep it on hand for just such an occasion in the future!

30.  How many people are you tagging with this? I'm tagging everyone who cares, one-maybe. My daughter who pretends to care because I have her number and I can make her life really miserable.

Reality Bite:  I'm writing.  Look out.  Arms and legs in and have a nice ride,

…vacation sick leave

Up Haleakelah 2007

The phrase “relaxing vacation” is anathema for the husband! If I enjoy myself too much, I won’t want to go home, so he makes it his goal to assure that our vacations are fun-filled and action-packed—the quintessential adventure. In other words, (mine) "they’re perfectly wretched."

To me,
The trip was torture, not because of accidents, lost tickets, misplaced luggage, or poorly planned accommodations—Oh no, that could never happen because he is a vacation professional. Each detail, every moment is meticulously planned.           Nuts, T.

My idea of relaxing, Hawaii 2014

The husband tries to mitigate my mutterings, and suggests we take turns planning the vacations.

But if it were up to me, I’d show up at the airport, wait on stand-by for the first flight to any beach, and hit a clothes shop and a bookstore on the way.

He researches for months, makes detailed plans, and then collects the travel guides (our record-breaking travel guide collection is on the list of national landmarks, right below the biggest gopher mound in Arkansas). He evaluates climate and pours over the atlas—the silent holder of every vacation secret—all while surfing the net to get the best deal. For him, anticipation is the best part of the trip. Our vacations are purposeful and deliberate—yes, orchestrated miseries.

His idea of relaxation, rapelling waterfalls
Maui, HI 2014

To me
This is the last time I talk him into a beach vacation. I try to bask, and we para-sail. I want to beach-comb, he wants to sand-sprint, I want to meander through shops, while he bargains, deals, and brainstorms, then I’m exhausted and ready for a vacation! T.

I could be just as happy sitting at home with a good book while he took the children on vacation! I want to relax!

Reality Bite: My idea of a vacation includes healthful sanatoriums and several months at Bath, or in the bath.  After vacationing with him, people take sick leave.    Ah, but that's another story.  

DIY Medical Procedures

  

Being healthy is a terrible way to get sick.  

#1  BE HEALTHY –SIGN UP FOR INSURANCE

I'm fairly healthy 
(physically anyway) 
and we have great (adequate) insurance, 
a (relatively) low monthly premium of about $300 
with a $5,000 annual deductible. 
(Ouch, but we won't need it right?)  

Picture me, the peach of Obama's pit, 
the sweet-spot of Affordable Health Care.  
He needs me--
the gal who doesn’t go to the doctor
--who is young (again, relatively) 
and healthy (comparatively,) 
to make the program viable for others who need and use it. 

#2  AND INSURANCE  PREMIUMS  INCREASE WITH USE   

So like most healthy Americans, who don’t go to the doctor for everything, 
I neglect well-checks due to the animus of the expense (the annual deductible) 
(Baby needs a new designer purse... or five or ten,) 
which acts as a monetary incentive 
(don't use it, or there will be no fund for those who really need it) 
to remain well—

or use my other health care option... to self treat. 

 

#3  IN THE EVENT OF EMERGENCIES

So when you find you do require the urgent services of a medical professional, 
and you haven’t kept one on retainer with regular sickness visits, 
and your standard care giver (it's been six years... who are you?)
and three different physician receptionists (What do you need?  How do you know?)
have declined to treat you,
(We require a mammogram before we will even see you,)
and urgent care prefers that you take that particular problem to a specialist, 
(What is it you have?  Again, how do you know?)
then you are forced to either resort to the expense of the emergency room…
(Sit here, in this really expensive seat and we'll get to you... tomorrow,) 

or again, self-treat.

PINNACLE
So you perform the procedure yourself to ameliorate some of the worst pain
while you wait for that fourth physician’s 
(the real specialist whose receptionist recognizes the word ultrasound and aspiration)
first available appointment.

FACE THE MUSIC

Three weeks later,  (at the first available appointment,) 
somehow instead of awe and admiration at the inventive audacity, 
you have engendered the derision of the physician 
who can’t begin to understand  
why anyone 
(in America) 
would have to resort to 
visiting an animal feed co-op to obtain a needle 
to emergency aspirate one’s one cysts 
(I clip my own toenails too,)
—when one could just wait in agony 
for the first available appointment 
(no we don't maintain a cancellation list,)

three weeks later!

FINAL SLAP IN THE FACE

The fee for a half-hour in-office doctor visit, 
for the use of a simple medical procedure (I did the first one myself,)
with ultrasound equipment, a non-emergency cyst aspiration is 

$1010.00.  

If I were uninsured, the doctor would be willing to accept half that much, 
but the procedure amount is set high 
so that when the deal the billing department has made 
with the insurance carrier kicks in, somehow
it will actually sound affordable.

EBAY

Used ultrasound machine, $11,000.00.  
Avoid eleven more affordable visits 
and just imagine all the other, more varied uses, 
because you’re aging…hmmm.

What’s really wrong with Affordable Health Care 
is that it isn't--
neither affordable nor accessible
and it’s not all Obama’s fault.

Many people who read this 
will agree with the doctor 
that somehow,  by being healthy for ten years... 
and by taking responsibility for my own health care, 
somehow I deserve to play this sick game.